Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I Don't Have Pooh On My Underwear

I have to admit that I was a bit reluctant to choose this topic today but I was thinking about dating and the fact that I won't have to do it again thanks to this wonderful guy I have in my life! Well, at least not 'dating' in the sense that I have to meet new people and decide if they are worth my time. But I think it's rather funny how far I've come in the dating circuit and the frogs I did or didn't kiss that ended up still being frogs afterward. And my friends and I have some funny stories. I will share a couple of them with you here. If you wish, in the comments of this blog, please share yours. One day I will get a book out of this. Hell, I suppose I could and should write it now!

The first story involves my first foray into dating after leaving a rather damaging relationship. Let me first state that my ex, upon leaving, presented me with an invoice. Oh yes, you read that correctly - an invoice. This invoice outlined what was owed to him minus what I already paid (we lived together and shared bills and such). It was one of those ah-ha moments when you realize, damn, I sure did make the right decision here! You don't get them often so when you do you embrace them and smile. Most of the time you smile internally but I think I actually guffawed out loud which threw him for a much needed loop.

Feeling the need to jump right into the dating pool (ill-informed move), I decided to try online dating. I met a couple people. One was more desperate than me, if that was possible. This guy was still so into his ex-wife that he talked about nothing else. I even had to read his tarot cards for him (I mentioned that I do that so I obliged the poor sap) to see what the outcome would be. I wanted to say, dude, she's living with her physical therapist who wears those horrible Buffalo Bills Zuba pants (or however 'Zuba' would be spelled - it speaks to my better taste that I don't know and have no interest in finding out). Get over it you wimp.

[Note to J - be cautious reading the next paragraph and don't hold anything against me - at least until later!]
So I took all my compassion and went on to the next gentleman. He proved a bit better. In fact, the title of this post is so named because of an incident with him. We saw each other for a bit and got to the point where we were 'showing each other our underwear' (read that any way you like). One week he had Winnie the Pooh on his boxers as many grown men do. When he 'showed me his underwear' the next week, he once again had Winnie the Pooh on them - but this was a different pair! Apparently there was a sale on adult male Winnie the Pooh boxers someplace - WalMart? I have no idea. Perhaps this was an ill-advised gift from grandma. At any rate, it isn't necessary to wear them with someone you are seeing. They are cute once, they are strange twice. It prompted me to say, hmmm, "I don' t have pooh on my underwear" which made us both chuckle. I decided that would have to be the title of my book on the subject.

The other gentleman who deserves mention here we will call by a couple of different names. One is "annoying man" and the other is "half-priced appie dude". He was in one of my graduate classes. We called him annoying man because he was one of those guys who never knew when to shut up and would argue with the professor just to be heard whether he agreed or not. It was disturbing and annoying. I caught up with him at a different function and actually had a good conversation with him so I decided to go out with him when he asked. Note to self and everyone reading this (as if you need this advice) - if you call someone annoying man, there is probably a damn good reason for it. Don't date him! Not even once!

We went out for drinks and appetizers. I bought my first drink since I arrived first. He showed up and hemed and hawwed about what to drink. We start talking, or rather, he starts talking. He tells me what is wrong with women, particularly women my age. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, I have a clock that is ticking to the point that I am just going to latch onto any man who comes along and shows interest so that I can get married and knocked up. This then leads to a miserable marriage in which I will be 'on the rag' for the rest of my life. He then told me that he has a line of women waiting to go out with him and that he has a difficult time choosing.

I had to respond - how do you not? I said, first of all, on a first date or any date, using the expression 'on the rag' is never a good idea. Suffice to say that I may have a clock ticking, but that clock is ticking down the time left on this date! I am not going to sacrifice myself to have a child with some dude who is going to make me miserable! Secondly, I think it is a complete travesty that you chose me over others in your 'line of women' since you are clearly a stallion.

The insult came when the bill arrived. We had ordered a couple appetizers. It was half price. The bill was $4 something. I looked at him and then started for my purse thinking he would say, don't worry, let me get that. Oh no, I put down $3 (tip and everything) and he put down $3. Then he tried to take $1 back. I damn near smacked him.

So I paid for half of a half-priced appetizer meal with Annoying Man.

That's ok, because each of these experiences has reinforced exactly what I am and am not looking for in a partner. And I have found everything I didn't know I needed and/or wanted! Thanks J! I hope this post didn't disturb you too much!

For those moments when you find you have Pooh on your underwear, please be cautious of rashes and other skin conditions. Wild Mountain Organics has an excellent moisturizer that is wonderful on your face, but could be used on other body parts as well. Check out our Skin Repair Cream and/or Replenishing Face Cream and/or Facial Elixir. Enjoy!

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