My father died 20 years ago this December.
It doesn't seem like 20 years. 20 years is almost half of my life. After December 3, 2008, I will have been without a father longer than I was with one. It's rather sad. But I will always remember him. There are things that he did and that we did that stick in my mind. I find myself going through some of the same thoughts with Beeno as I did with my dad. So I remind myself that I will be okay.
I often talk to my father. Yes, he's dead and that sounds odd (to everyone but those who have lost a loved one), but I find comfort in it. Granted, I choose my moments. I don't speak to him while I am teaching a class or while I am getting pulled over by the police (it happens sometimes), but I do talk to him when I am alone.
I also depend on yoga. Ever since I started doing yoga it has been my saving grace. It has helped me to work through many emotions. It has also helped my physically. Often, your emotional pain is manifest through the physical, so I try to make an effort to stay both emotionally and physically healthy. Easier said than done.
When I do yoga, I will smell my dad - sometimes. I find comfort in this. It's as if he is right there with me helping me through a crisis.
I went to yoga on Tuesday to try to work through some of the pain of losing Beeno. I was in a studio - not my house - and I thought I smelled him. I was getting into a pose and I thought I smelled my dog. And then I felt overwhelmingly content. I felt as though he was saying, you know what, I'm okay. Please don't worry.
That night I asked my dad to keep an eye open for Beeno. They would love each other. And I don't want either to be lonely. I found comfort in that request because I felt as though they both listened to me and were both trying to find each other in the afterlife - or had found each other. I think my dad would like throwing Beeno a stick. And I think Beeno could fetch the sticks all day long now that he doesn't have to worry about a heart attack!
It was a good day.