Wednesday, May 11, 2005

I'll Slap Your Scrotum.....Or - I Burned my Ass Today

The cryptic, funny nature of the title was to convince you to read further - as if you need that impetus.

I went to visit my mother yesterday. I pulled into the driveway and she was watering her new trees in the front yard. She was wearing a bikini. My mother has always worn a bikini. Sadly, she is 62 - almost 63 - and she looks better in one than I do - I am 35, almost 36. At any rate, I get out of my truck and walk over to her. She promptly tells me what she did all day - I mowed the lawn, I weeded, I did this, I did that. Then when I was finished I went in the pool and then sunbathed on the deck.

I burned my ass.

What Mom? You did what?

I burned my ass.

Then she turns around and pulls her bottom down far enough for me to be her proctologist so that I can see her red ass. We are still on the front lawn. We do have neighbors.

Something you should know about my mom. She has always been rather free with herself. That's a polite way of saying she is an exhibitionist. Before we had as many neighbors as we do, she would mow the backyard topless. Just her bikini bottom. Boobies flapping away. Now she sunbathes naked on the back porch. And now she has burned her ass. I remind her about sunscreen, but what would she use that for. So her ass is red as a lobster. Perhaps she can get her boyfriend to dip her in butter - but I digress.

This made me think about other wackos you may remember from your youth. A friend of mine shared a story her boss told her about a man in their neighborhood who used to guard people's yards. If you, as a child, ran into yards that were not your own - unauthorized yard hopping - you would get a stern "Stop running in the yard or I am going to smack your scrotum."

I laugh every time I read that. In fact - I think I may use that anytime unauthorized kids are in my yard. I will think of one for that little shithead girl who was picking my flowers.

Stop picking my flowers or I am going to twist your nipple!

If you've had your scrotum smacked or you nipple twisted, you may benefit from Wild Mountain Organics' creams or lotions. While the Skin Repair Cream and Replenishing Face Cream are primarily for your face, who says you can't use them other places? And the lotions will just make your parts smell nicer as well as moisturize. Enjoy - and stay out of other people's yards!


Lori said...
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Lori said...

Sweet Jesus - you were right. That was disturbing!