Poop Patrol

Um, my friend sent this article to me. It appeared in The Citizen in Auburn, NY. If I didn't read it from the paper's site and didn't notice my friend's brother (Brian Dahl) quoted in the article, I would think she made it up.

Please read and allow me to comment with parenthetical statements in red (throughout article).

Cashier sniffs out poop perpetrator
By Linda Ober . The CitizenThursday, February 23, 2006 10:11 AM EST

Susan DaVia has been employed with the Cayuga County Department of Motor Vehicles for 17 years, but this was surely one of her most exciting - and disgusting - days of all. (We need to get you out more, Susan.)

DaVia was being hailed as a hero Wednesday afternoon, following her pursuit of a man later arrested on charges that he emptied a container of human waste into a men's room floor drain at the county office building, located at 160 Genesee St., Auburn. (Oh yes, you read that correctly.)

County employees on the first floor had been on the lookout for the dumper for several weeks, DaVia said, noting that this was the fourth time that someone had seen - and smelled - the mess left behind. (Is this why taxes are so high? County workers are on the lookout for the poop dumper?)

And so when DaVia saw a man, later identified as 60-year-old Aurora resident David Kauber, walking out of the first floor men's room carrying a container the size of an ice chest around 10 a.m. Wednesday, she figured she had found the culprit. (The smell didn't tip her off? She assumed the dude would be carrying an ice chest? What is an ice chest? A cooler?)

Coffee pot in hand, she tried to push Kauber into the DMV office.“I started yelling something about ‘We've got him!'” DaVia said, noting that Kauber responded by smiling and giggling. (If I've just dumped shit into the county building and am now being accosted by a woman holding a coffee pot forcing into the DMV, I might chuckle also. And what did the people in the DMV think? Ah that Susan, trying to get a piece again.)

He then exited the building, and DaVia walked behind him at “a steady pace” up until he turned the corner, as she didn't want to be out of the eyesight of her colleague. (What colleague? Did someone follow her?)

County employees alerted a sheriff's deputy who provides security for the office building, and the Auburn Police Department was called in to assist, said Cayuga County Sheriff Rob Outhouse, whose office is now handling the investigation. Police made the traffic stop of Kauber on East Genesee Street, Outhouse said. (Is it just me, or is anyone else laughing because this guy's name is outhouse? And we're talking about a portable one, so to speak.)

Kauber was arraigned in city court and has a reappearance date scheduled for March 7, Outhouse said. He faces a maximum of 15 days in jail for the alleged infraction. He was formerly charged with disorderly conduct.The sheriff's office is also investigating whether or not Kauber may have violated health codes or environmental law, which could possibly result in additional charges, Outhouse added. (I want to know why he did it. Did anyone ask? Please report back.)

Brian Dahl, director of the county's emergency management office, asked the Auburn Fire Department to investigate. Assistant Chief Terry Winslow said that the department conducted air quality tests shortly after 11 a.m. and deemed the area a non-hazardous environment. (Okay, if they did an air quality test every time someone pooped - and I'm thinking about me in particular - they would have to evacuate buildings all the time! In fact, there is a horrible story about one of my ex-bosses. If we could have harnessed the stench from her ass, we could do away with other biological weapons, but I digress.)

DaVia said that the smell from the bathroom had been almost unbearable in the past instances.
“Everybody couldn't wait to get out of here,” she said, “and a couple of us were just gagging.” (Then walk away. Don't look at it, don't smell it. Just assemble your poop committee to find the culprit.)

Outhouse said that his office is looking to determine why Kauber might have dumped the materials and if he has done so before. Kauber may have been involved in at least two previous incidents, he added. (Bastard!)

County Clerk Sue Dwyer, whose office is next to the restroom, expressed relief that the possible perpetrator had been caught. She is giving her parking space to DaVia for the next two weeks. (Go Susan, it's your birthday, gonna party like it's your birthday.)

“I'm proud and not at all surprised that one of our employees went above and beyond the call of duty,” Dwyer said.

Some county employees used their lunch hour to go home and make DaVia certificates of excellence for her ability to pursue Kauber while she was holding a coffee pot and wearing high heels. (Apparently they don't have computers and printers at work to do this crap with.)

She also received commendation from the self-proclaimed Poop Watchers Group and was told several times that ladies from the DMV don't take, well, you know. (I think this is something we should all aspire to - commendation from the Poop Watchers Group. Who is its president?)


I am reminded of another story shared by my friend. This is some years back but took place in the same part of NYS. This man was driving along a country road (around the corner from my friend's childhood home) with his family in the station wagon when he decided he had to pull over to "use nature's latrine" not far from a farmhouse/farm. He was found in flagrante delicto by the farmer in the barn or in the field (I forget the location) having relations with one of the farmer's sheep. Apparently he was arrested and jailed. No word on whether the sheep needed counseling.

That story never ceases to be funny. It also never ceases to be disturbing!