My sister emailed one of those "You know you're....." emails that made me smile. What I usually do when I get them is copy them, paste them into a new email, make my own humorous comments, and send them to all my friends. Instead of doing that, I thought I would put them on the blog.
Today's topic: When we girls drink too much
Keep in mind that I don't necessarily know much about this topic (whatever), but my comments are noted parenthetically below.
1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is. (Did we bring a purse or did we try to shove our ID, lipstick, money, and condoms into a pocket, our shoes, or our bra?)
2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and jiggling our butt while yelling "woo-hoo" is truly the sexiest dance move around. (I would argue that it is. As is dancing by yourself with the mirror. I don't think I have ever actually yelled "woo-hoo" while dancing, but I am quite sure I tried to dance like a stripper. And I am also quite sure I thought I looked good doing it when in fact I did not.)
3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe we could do it too. (Not only can I kick someone's ass, but when I am drunk I am both Cindy Crawford and Albert Einstein.)
4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago. (I sweat just standing still. So when I am dancing like a stripper by myself in the mirror (see number 2), my hair gets matted, my lipstick and eyeliner run, and I may stink.)
5. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them soooo much. (I don't really think I do this. I don't remember telling everyone I love them. I do remember making out with random people, but I am sure I never told them I loved them.)
6. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "oh my god, I love this song!" (Amen.)
7. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us. (I love the geek and always find his spiritual side. My story might be that I find a deep spiritual connection to the beefcake next to me. For some reason when I am drunk, hearing about weight lifting and Nascar sounds like intellectual banter.)
8. We've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it. (I quit smoking some time ago. When I get really drunk, I often bum a smoke from a friend and then chastise her when I realize why I quit. It tastes just god awful. And I can't imagine anyone doing it. But I smoke the damn thing. Or I give it away.)
9. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade, but that's just because we can no longer taste the gin. (I don't give a crap about the bartender, to be truthful. Unless they are smoking hot and talking to me as if I am Cindy Crawford - which I am if you read number 3. I did once have an incident with a bartender. I had given him a $20 bill and he gave me change as if I had given him a $10 bill. Now, as anyone who has been drunk will tell you, especially if that person is also a cheap bastard/bitch, you know what money you are giving up and you know what you should get back. So I politely (again - the drunk politely) told him. He laughed at me but checked his drawer. Sure enough I was right. Because I am Einstein (see number 3) and I can do the math. I can also kick his ass (see number 3) and I do not think I have a spiritual connection with this moron (see number 7).)
10. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor or the mop. (Or the dog, or the wall - if leaning from the toilet.)
11. We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it. (Toilet lid?)
12. We take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault that we're having problems walking straight. (Actually I take my shoes off to look like a supermodel taking off her clothes. I am cool without shoes.)
Feel free to add your thoughts.