"No, thanks, Ev, I'm good."
"How about Nancy?" Ev said. "Does Nancy need a spanking?"
"Sure Ev," she said as she bent over putting her bum in my face. Then Ev's hand reached in front of me to spank her jean covered behind.
"Does Ev want a spanking, too?" Nancy replied, obviously elated.
"Sure" he replied as he stood and leaned his behind into my face and Nancy reached across to spank his jean covered behind.
The above actually happened. Ev is my brother and Corrie and Nancy are two good friends who were drunk right along with me at the redneck bar - The Marilla Grille. This was Friday night and Corrie was in town visiting from Orlando.
What this is, is disturbing. In fact, if we were on Jeopardy, the question would be "What is something you hope to never see your brother do or hear him say?"
But we weren't on TV and this was something I never wanted to see and can't get out of my head because it was both funny and cornea searing.
My friend Corrie doesn't come into town often. When she does, I try to put together a wonderful celebration that really just includes choosing a redneck bar to get lit up like roman candles in. The last time she was in town we chose to grace the Alden Bar and Grill with our presence. We didn't return because the last time her father got a bit inebriated and was afraid to return. Or at least I think that's the story. At any rate, I have a feeling we may not return to the Marilla Grille either.
I closed the bar. I cannot believe that I can make that statement. What is happening to me? They damn near had to kick us out! At the Marilla Grille! Have I really gone too far down the hole never to return to the hipness of my youth? Am I destined to become a cliche? Poor oral hygiene, the cotton tank top with the iron on rose decal, the Bon Jovi velvet wall hanging? Is there no way to stop the downward spiral into hick hell?
I am sitting here wondering how to recover. If there is something my friends can do like stage an intervention. But I don't know if I want to recover. I rather enjoy it. I enjoy being part of small town America where the beer flows freely and abundantly and the local jukebox plays "You Shook me all Night Long" over and over again.
So I will continue to be a redneck in training. And I will like it.
But I won't like hearing my brother asking to spank or be spanked.
Whenever I feel a bit too redneck, I go into my Wild Mountain Organics room - the room in my house that contains our wonderful products. There is nothing redneck about them. They are hip and awesome. Try some today.